A wonder, no wonder: Say that again?

A wonder, no wonder

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Say that again?

I shuffled quietly and eased myself into a seat near the front of church tonight. Singing practice. Pah. The traditional "Hi"'s to everyone who noticed my silent saunteering, and within seconds after that, I grew restless. Music blaring from the band having their worship practice session. I looked around, then toward the back. Matthew.

I got up and jogged over to the sound booth where he was doing his thing. I greeted him and sat beside him and asked him what was went on in youth service today. (which I missed). "The usual" he said, and told me that he didn't know what time the singing practice (ugh) was going begin. He looked at me for a second and asked: "You look like shit, are you depressed?". Took me aback for a few seconds as I stared at him. I thought I hid it well enough by looking neutral half the time. I thought I did. A series of "ums" and "ahs" strung themselves together as I ransacked my brains for a evasive answer. I mumbled something about "presentation" and "videos", maybe something about "the cat" and smiled sheepishly. "You know what? Yeah, I think I may be feeling a little low and depressed". To his credit (and my thanks) he didn't probe further. Interesting little gig.

Hope. Faith. These two words I believe are highly over-rated. I hoped that my parents wouldn't seperate. I had faith in my previous relationship. Life just goes to show that hope and faith isn't all that up and up really. Hope fails. Just like faith. False securities? Fat hope and blind faith. Are these things supposed to give us the will to do what we need to do? Or are these two supposed to bring you up to a higher level so that it'll hurt more than you fall?

I've been told we need God to fill this void in our hearts. No matter how much we fulfil our needs, we still need something divine to plug the final gaping hole. (Which reminds me of Maslow's hierachy of needs theory. But that's another story and it also reminds me that I'm studying too hard).

I remember recent times when I asked God to show me how much he cared and I ended up bitterly disppointed. Truth be, I was on my way home the next day and this old lady boarded the MRT. She sat a seat away from me at Aljunied and then started talking to me in Hokkien/Teochew, one or the other. Complete stranger. I took off my earphones and listened to her, thinking she wanted to ask directions as most old people normally do. She just continued speaking to me despite my repeated answers of "huh what?", "I don't understand". I did hear two words which I understood perfectly well: "Ye Su". She was talking about Jesus. She continued babbling about and said soemthing else: "Heart". She tapped me in the middle of my chest while saying "Jesus".

I started praying. I prayed for the train to HURRY THE FUCKING HELL UP AND GET TO DAMN SIMEI. I understood what she might be getting at but I wondered why. Was it God's will to embarrass me in the presence of an MRT carrige? Or was it just my bad luck meeting a psycho old lady who happened to be supposedly Christian? I wondered about the meaning of it all.

I don't know why I'm feeling "depressed". (I hate using that word. Makes me seem mental. Not a good thing to impress girls with) "Hi! You all alone? The name's Alson. I'm slightly depressed and mental". I suppose it could be due to the fact I'm burnt out. The lack of a holiday season, so much, TOO much rather, to do in church. School's getting harder. Responsibilities, duties, assignments, tests, exams, projects. Presentations, videos, slides, items, songs, dances, instruments, shut the fuck up already. I realise one thing, after going out with Huan on wednesday. I was happy. For once, in this decently short period of gloom, I was truly happy. We had dinner, I paid for drinks. (She made me. Ugh.) We chatted, mostly about her and her problems. But still. I was happy.

Led me to think: At least in a quest for a lost soul, there IS a time where I can just be happy doing something. Surrounding myself with things and people that truly make me happy. Huan. Music. Ari. Dogs. Mel. Mark. Double D. Soccer. Threadless tees. Jo. Aaron. Wenz. Suppers. J J. Sleep. I need to sleep.

posted by The Als @ 3:51 am

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